Joke thread

[Turtle-Prophet of Doom]

I looked and didn't find one, so... lets start.

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

[Sniper-Bravo]

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.

[Turtle-Prophet of Doom]

A couple was dressed and ready to go out into the city for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my Mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid witch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me but it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car......

[Sniper-Bravo]

Q: How do know the toothbrush was invented in West Virgina?

A: If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.

[Sniper-Bravo]

While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, “Jesus is watching you.” To his relief, he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it had heard.

The burglar asks the parrot, “What’s your name?”

The parrot says, “Moses.”

The burglar goes on to ask, “What kind of a person names their parrot Moses?”

The parrot replies, “The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus.”

[Sniper-Bravo]

A man goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on as the guy downs one after another.

As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, "I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast."

"You would if you had what I have," the man says, throwing back number 11.

"Well, what is it you have?"

The man throws back his last shot and says, "Fifty cents."

[Sniper-Bravo]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I can’t stop passing gas. Luckily, my farts don’t smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted twice since I’ve been here in your office, but you didn’t even notice."

"I can help you," says the doc. "Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week, the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts reek."

The doctor says, "Good, we fixed your sinuses! Now let’s work on your hearing."

[Sniper-Bravo]

Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member. They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.

“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just #### my pants.”

The young men are amazed. One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d crap my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”

The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then—just now when I said roar!”

[Sniper-Bravo]

An old man on his deathbed implored his wife, “When I am gone I want you to marry Fred Uhland.”

“Why Fred Uhland?” his wife asked. “You have hated him all of your life!”

“Still do,” gasped the old man.

[Sniper-Bravo]

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."

[Sniper-Bravo]

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 A.M." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10 A.M.?" "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls…no point in you coming in for that."

[skuldragger]

WHY YOU SHOULN'T TALK TO A DRUNK.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected

1/2 gallon of milk
a carton of eggs
a quart of oj
a head of lettuce
2lbs of coffee
and a 1lb package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the converyor belt to check out,a drunk standing behimd her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases the drunk calmly stated " You must be single".

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamatoin,but she was intrigued by the derelicts's intuition,since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selectoins that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said," Well, you know what, your absolutly correct. but how on earth did you know that? The drunk replied ,"cause your ugly".

[Kozz]

I'm suprised this one hasn't carried over...

"The World Team will win TWC this year!"

[a5chica]

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

[a5chica]

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.