Post by Snake Eyes 88 USMC on Dec 2, 2005 18:15:06 GMT -5
LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back.
The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer.
Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris.
It was more "humane".
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people.
He makes people dead.
Chuck Norris never misspells a word. If he does, he simply changes the spelling.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer.
Too bad he has never cried.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles".
Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.
Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination.
As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise,"
It starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up.
This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard".
Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible.
Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face.
He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back.
He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is
injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer.
This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to
lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard.
He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.
When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put
razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his"
way.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the #### out of little kids.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't #### with Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living #### out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
New Years Eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.
When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won’t find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it’s getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies just check the extinct species list.
If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.
Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back.
The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer.
Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris.
It was more "humane".
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people.
He makes people dead.
Chuck Norris never misspells a word. If he does, he simply changes the spelling.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer.
Too bad he has never cried.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles".
Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.
Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination.
As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise,"
It starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up.
This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard".
Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible.
Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face.
He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back.
He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is
injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer.
This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to
lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard.
He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.
When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put
razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his"
way.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the #### out of little kids.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't #### with Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living #### out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
New Years Eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.
When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won’t find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it’s getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies just check the extinct species list.
If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.
Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.
on fridays!
). But Im in class right now and showed to some people, and one of my friends was on the verge of crying!